Photograph by Kristine Mae Balanay
Nothing hurts more than losing the person you love the most, not being able to spend her remaining days on Earth with you, or even having the chance to bid your last farewell.
The year 2020 was the toughest; it was full of pain and sorrow when my beloved grandmother passed away due to acute leukemia, hypertension, and kidney failure.
Before she left us, only my mother had the chance to take care of her at the hospital due to COVID-19 protocols. I wanted to give her a hug, hoping it would somehow ease the pain she was feeling, but I couldn’t do anything—all I could do was wait.
I'll never forget the last phone call we had before my grandmother passed away. While she was in the hospital, I told her, “You need to be strong because when you get home, we will watch your favorite AlDub videos,” to which she only answered with a big smile.
As soon as the call ended, I had another glimpse of hope. I thought it would be all fine but the biggest plot twist came—she went back home in a jar.
It took too long to sink in what just happened. I was just talking to her on the phone, and then in just a quick snap, she was gone.
Throughout my existence, I have always been brave and strong on the outside, and I thought it would be enough to conquer all of the turning points in this track.
I always wanted to be the anchor of everyone because I knew how it felt to have no one to lean on. By the time I was grieving, I had become someone I wanted to have for myself.
On May 29, 2022, as a celebration of her birth month, our family finally decided to set her free by burying her ashes in the cemetery. Nevertheless, her memory will forever remain in our hearts as we give the serenity she deserves.
In God’s perfect timing, all those scars have healed, and I can say that I am in a much better place than before.
Losing a loved one in the middle of the pandemic was a burden I’ve been carrying for a long time. However, that devastating experience made me see the real essence of life and, most especially, not to take things for granted.
Healing is not linear; healing takes time. It’s not one-size-fits-all; there’s no specific manual on how it works, but one thing’s for sure, allowing yourself to mourn, to be vulnerable is a part of its process.
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